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11:32pm 26/03/2009
mood: sleepy
We like to listen to music while the kids are working in our classroom. One of our choices is the soundtrack from Field of Dreams. It's a very peaceful soundtrack, though i also find it quite haunting. Several weeks ago we were playing it every day for about a solid week.

Anyway, by the end of the week, i decided i needed to watch the movie. So i rented it from iTunes. You can rent movies from iTunes now, you know. So i rented Field of Dreams from iTunes, and i watched it. And right at the beginning, Kevin Costner rattles off a handful of key moments in baseball that are significant to the story (e.g. the Dodgers moving to LA) and then later tells the story of Shoeless Joe and the Black Sox Scandal.

At this point, less than halfway through the movie, i decide that i need to watch Baseball: A Film by Ken Burns.

My parents taped it off of PBS when it broadcast in the mid-90s. I'd never watched it, and of course those old videos are with them, in North Carolina. So, lacking money at first, i told myself i had to wait.

I'd been sick, and that week spent most of my time in bed, when not at work. One day i got bored and was a little stir-crazy, and so i decided to get rid of some things over at Bookman's. So i bagged up a large pile of books, a few DVDs, and i went off. Dumped my stuff on the counter, and wandered off to browse with the king of diamonds in hand. I made my way over to sports, and there it was, on a shelf a bit above my head. I almost missed it.

There were two of them, actually, stacked on top of each other. If i stretched on my tiptoes, i could reach the bottom edges of the lower one. Carefully i edged it towards the front of the shelf, until i could tip it forward and slide the top one off.

Now, i had of coursed looked into the costs of the set, online. I saw numbers between $120 and $150 for the DVD set. In my hands at that moment, i held a slightly dusty boxed VHS set... still in its shrink wrap.

Fact #1 - i still own a fully functional VCR.

Fact #2 - the VHS set was selling for $45.

Fact #3 - i had a HUGE pile of books being assessed up at the counter, plus a handful of DVDs and two DS games.

The nice people at Bookman's took all the books i offered, the DS games, and most of the DVDs (they gave back the first season of Gray's Anatomy despite my complaints that i'd been trying to rid myself of that at used book stores in two states. i guess no one else wants it, either).

It took me a few weeks to get through that documentary, but it was definitely worth it. It was also worth the trip to Bookman's. I even had about $6 left in store credit after the transaction was complete, but i was so excited to get Baseball that i left the voucher on the counter, along with my Mission Montessori tote bag. They could track me down if they wanted to; after all, they want to make sure i take back that Gray's Anatomy DVD.
     1 fired away - hit me with your best shot
09:44pm 29/12/2008
  He's gone, and it's left me feeling more empty inside than ever.

Not only is he gone, but no one, himself included, knows when or even if he's coming back. I feel sort of lost, and there's a new hopelessness that wasn't there before. Maybe that's a good thing; maybe if i stop holding onto hope i can start letting go of everything else, too. Still, i can't help but feel that that little bit of hope - however impossible it may be - is what's keeping me from spiralling completely into the depression that i know is already dragging me down pretty hard.

The fact remains, when someone impacts my life THAT much, i can't just stop being affected by them. I care too much and that is my biggest weakness. I don't know when i should STOP caring. Even when i do know, i can't stop. It's just who i am. It's why i stuck by Ryan for so long, and it's why i stick by Tommy now, whether he wants me to or not.

i dreamed about him this morning, for the first time ever. i expect that it's because he's been on my mind ever since i found out he was gone, but it threw me off. i don't like that he's so deeply under my skin that now he's in my dreams. it's almost definable as the moment where i've lost control of my feelings, and that scares me shitless.

I've gotten my tarot cards out a few times in the last couple days, and i've been doing readings for myself. You're not supposed to read your own cards, because supposedly you won't get a clear reading off of anything. I've been doing it anyway, just as an effort to make myself feel like all my thoughts and feelings and that shred of hope aren't a waste. Two spreads assured me that they are not. The most recent one assures me that they are and that my life is going to suck from here on out. Whitney says i should keep trying for more optimistic spreads.

It's beginning to be clear to me that i am losing my grip. I moved here to be with all these wonderful people, and each one has been great, but despite all they've done to make me feel better, i've never felt lonelier in my life.

i need a hug.
     1 fired away - hit me with your best shot
"So, How Would You Feel About Taking a Road Trip Tonight?"   
08:49am 29/12/2008
mood: exhausted
This is how the best adventures begin. A phone call and an unexpected question.

It was Saturday afternoon. The caller was Erin, the road trip in question was to... Las Vegas.

Autumn went home for Christmas on a US Airways buddy pass. As it turned out, US had so massively, massively overbooked every flight back to Phoenix, that Autumn got bumped off of one after another until she ran out of extra time and discovered there was still several days' wait to find a spot westward. At this point Erin stepped in and found her an inexpensive flight to Vegas, which is about a 5-hour drive from Phoenix.

This is where i came in. The drive to Nevada would be kind of horrible to do alone, i think, so i came along as company. Plus i'd never been to Vegas, so, hey, learning experience!

Originally we'd planned to leave within the hour of the first phone call, but circumstances for Autumn being what they were, something came up that made her miss her flight on Saturday. So Erin got her something on Sunday, and at 5pm we set off on our merry way to Las Vegas.

The drive was a sort of combination of various other drives i've been on. Once we got through the West Valley, and were headed into Wickenburg, i was reminded very strongly of 52, north of Mt. Airy and across the NC/VA state line. Wickenburg itself made me think of Gatlinburg, TN, though of course with a distinctly southwestern theme rather than a Smoky Mountain one. I'd like to make a day trip there and stop to look around.

Past Wickenburg, we entered a long and empty stretch of roadway, marked here and there by scattered cities such as Kingman and Boulder City. Once we were about an hour outside of Vegas, Erin pointed to a grey light on the horizon of an otherwise pitch-black world around us and said, "That light is coming from Vegas."

It's a little off-putting to realize that a city can light up the sky from 70 miles away.

at about 10:30pm, i was standing on the Hoover Dam. It would have been earlier, but we got stuck in checkpoint traffic that tacked on an extra hour for five miles of backup.

The dam marks the border of Nevada and Arizona and creates the reservoir that is Lake Mead, from the Colorado River. From where we were standing, we didn't have the most optimal view, but it was breathtaking nonetheless. What we did get an optimal view of was the new bridge being constructed. It's ENORMOUS.

Hoover Dam is only 30 miles from the big city, and it wasn't too long before we came around a bend in the road and below us was an ocean of bright lights. Las Vegas. It really looks exactly as you'd expect, approaching it at night.

We found our way to the airport and finally we had Autumn! None of us were in any hurry to get into the car to drive back here, so we puttered around a little in Vegas. We went to the Luxor, which is a black-windowed pyramid of a casino. It shoots a horrendously bright light straight up into the air. The light can be seen from space. We ate dinner in the Pyramid Cafe, a less than great idea in retrospect as casino food is not the best stuff and despite the fact that we ate very little of it we all had stomachaches on the drive home.

Erin and Autumn switched off on driving. I felt rather guilty at being unable to help, but Erin's car is a manual, and the only time i ever learned how to drive a manual anything was on Tempe Hickman's old tractor when i cleaned stalls at Yonahlossee in 2003. So i took on the job of being company for the driver. I took maybe a 45 minute nap on the drive.

At one point we stopped at a small pulloff to switch drivers, and Erin said, "Di needs to get out of the car and look at the stars."

If there is any place in America that would be good for stargazing, surely western Arizona is that place. It was beautiful.

That's pretty much where the story ends. We rolled into town at about 7:30 this morning and poor exhausted Autumn had to immediately get ready for work.

It was a grand adventure. I need sleep now.
     2 fired away - hit me with your best shot
11:56pm 26/12/2008
  i heard a rumor today. i won't get into it now, but if it turns out to be true i have brace myself for it now, while i'm okay. We'll see what happens.  
     hit me with your best shot
This Is Harder Than It Seemed   
10:24pm 17/12/2008
  ...How is it even possible to miss someone so much when you only knew him for a little while?

Yeah, i know, i don't need to be told how absurd this is. The fact remains that I miss him. He pushed his way so quickly and solidly into my life despite my own misgivings, and then just as quickly, he was gone.

I'm trying really hard to pretend that I don't care but i very much doubt anyone actually believes me. Hell, i can't even convince myself, much less anyone else. But i am trying.

I'm really torn up. I keep saying i am tired of this, and that i want it all to just end, and this is true, but deep down i have to admit to myself that when i say that, what i really mean is, i want everything to be okay. i want us to be together and happy again. And i don't think i can really let go of that until i fully understand what's happened. It's a physical ache and it gets a little worse every day instead of a little better.

This is slowly driving me crazy. I honestly have no idea what needs to happen to get myself to stop this shit. My brain knows that i need to just let it drop, but the rest of me refuses to let it end like this. But what do i need to do?

I want back the Tommy he was before. The Tommy he still is to everyone but me. How do -I- get that back? CAN i get that back?
     hit me with your best shot
10:54am 07/12/2008
mood: stressed
My friends here are so amazing. I've never had this kind of support system in my life before, and it really makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. For the first time, i have people around me who genuinely care what happens to me and are there for me, not just because they're family.

I'm still struggling to adjust to the changes that have come with Tommy's new job. The logical part of me knows all the reasons that things are the way they are and that it'll calm down at some point, and then everything will be fine. But the girly part of me is just plain old lonely for her guy. I have to work now to keep the logical side more powerful than the emotional side, but that isn't easy. My emotions have always been the ruling factor in my brain. I think i will start making myself play the brain games i have on DS for a certain amount of time every day, just to get my brain active so i'm not just a ball of emotions.

Catherine has not paid her rent this month. She's been in California for the majority of it, but since her stuff is still occupying half my apartment, she is paying rent. Call it a storage fee if you want. At least, she's supposed to be. I went ahead and paid for both of us because hey, eviction? Not so fun. Since then i have been texting Catherine, asking her to let me know when she's going to pay me and how.

No response.

Meanwhile, i'm out almost $400 and my phone bill is past due and my service will be cut off soon. Ted offered me a room in The House (i always think of it as The House, with capitalizations like that) if i can get out of my lease here, and between Catherine and the scorpions, that idea sounds better and better the more i think about it. I would love to have people around me, and let's face it, i'm over there often enough as it is.

Between Erin and Alan and Paige, most notably among everyone, i'm able to keep my cool. i wish i'd gotten to be this close with Alan and Paige a lot sooner. Call me corny and cliché, but they're like siblings to me. Growing up with two older brothers, I always wanted to have an older sister i could turn to. If i'd gotten one, she probably would have been just as much of a mess as me and certainly not as good at advising as Paige. As for Alan, talking to him makes me miss my brother Rob a little less.

This business of being a grown-up can kind of suck sometimes.
     1 fired away - hit me with your best shot
LOL Meme'd.   
11:18am 06/12/2008
mood: pensive

Naturally Smart

You're a naturally smart person. Your intelligence comes to you naturally, rather than from instruction - and you are better with applied or more real-world things... which comes in handy, here in the real world.

40% applied intelligence
40% natural intelligence

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com
     hit me with your best shot
Scarborough Fair   
02:53am 01/12/2008
  You know what? I did this on Facebook, but i had so much fun with it then that i decided to do it again, only here. Where maybe three people will see it, and maybe two of those people didn't already see it on Facebook. Hey, new answers, at least!

1. Put your mp3 player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
4. Tag 5 friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you stole it from.

Making Enemies - Snow Patrol

Tired of Waiting - The Trews

Train to Spain - Conrad Walz

Dream On - Aerosmith

Fields of Gold - Sting

Angel's Punishment - Lacuna Coil

Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangsta - Geto Boys

WHAT IS 2+2?
Hey Jude - The Beatles

Some Sinatra - Secret Stars

Slow Motion - David Gray

"Over the Bent World Broods" - Pearlmerchant

Don't Worry Baby - Beach Boys

One Sweet Love - Sara Bareilles

Desert Rose - Sting

Take 'Em Away - Old Crow Medicine Show

Cocaine Habit - Old Crow Medicine Show

Song With a Mission - The Sounds

I've Got to See You Again - Norah Jones

Sail Away - David Gray

No Fool - Robin Stone

Love Man - Otis Redding

Diana - Bryan Adams

Everyday is Exactly the Same - Nine Inch Nails

Where'd You Go? - Fort Minor

Sleep Together - Garbage

If You Wanna Leave Me (Can I Come Too?) - Bryan Adams

Change - Abbotfinney

This Town is Wrong - Nerissa & Katryna Nields

Overload - Zappacosta

Scarborough Fair - Simon & Garfunkel

I have to say, i got some really great answers this time around! Without any cheating, i swear!
     hit me with your best shot
Hey, I Remember This Thing   
01:38am 01/12/2008
  ...i wonder if anyone still reads it?  
     hit me with your best shot
01:05pm 21/11/2007
mood: rejected
I look back at the last entry i made in this thing - the last real entry, that is - and it fills me with mixed emotions.

If you back up past the various quizzes and games that i've posted between then and now, you'll read an entry about two guys who were an integral part of my life at that time. It was around six months ago, i guess.

The first guy and i ended up deciding that we were better off friends than anything else. It was not a decision we came to lightly, but given the circumstances, it was the best option. We still talk a few times a month and he is still good for a laugh as he always was.

It's guy #2 where the real story comes in. Now, a lot of you who are reading this know AAAALLLLLLLL about this guy. Yes, six months ago i named him off as a close friend. I didn't anticipate HOW close we'd become, nor did i anticipate falling head over heels for him.

For several months we were virtually inseparable. That is, as much as two people can be who are 650 miles apart. We texted all evening from work, we were on the phone on our drives to and from work, and all night we'd sit up on AIM and Skype, for 4 or 5 hours at a time. He drove my mom crazy when she and i went to Louisville, because of all the texting and calling. More than once i told him i wanted to be more than friends. He didn't agree, but we remained as close as ever.

But things went wrong in September, when he met someone. It hurt like hell, and i knew that despite his objections, it would change the nature of our friendship.

I was right.

Now he's changed. He has her; he doesn't need me. He only wants to talk to me when she's not available, and I've gotten myself to the point where most of the time i don't care.

Some days, though, it still hurts.

I'll never be the same as i was before him. He filled a void in me that has existed for as long as i can remember. Today is one of the days where it hurts to be without him.
     1 fired away - hit me with your best shot
Whee, Personality Tests   
03:16am 16/09/2007
mood: chipper
     hit me with your best shot
these again.   
04:25pm 28/06/2007
  drawing personality

What does your drawing say about YOU?

Click here to view my house
     hit me with your best shot
YOU did this to me, Secret Society Wars!   
03:57pm 28/06/2007
mood: sick
     hit me with your best shot
Tell It Like You Still Believe   
07:45am 05/06/2007
mood: distressed
I have two guys who are occupying my mind in completely different ways. I feel like my brain would be better off exploding than trying to handle all this.

Guy#1 is the romantic interest. This is all about 8 months in the making. Only problem here is that we live too far apart (7-ish hours) and neither of us is a big advocate for long-distance relationships. We're pretty well stuck where we are right now - nowhere.

On Friday night G1 and i had a long and frankly bewildering conversation about where we stand (it took us 3 hours to come to the conclusion of "nowhere" and i'm not honestly certain that that conclusion stands solid). I'm still wondering what will happen when we meet again, if we could make it work with a push in the right direction, if it's insignificant enough to give up... it's really too complex to explain in one post. The few people who know all the details have been there all along. They know G1, they know me, and they know the intricacies of this story. It's too much to describe here.

Guy#2, he's the really complex one. We've only met once, but our friendship since then has developed to a very intense level, via the wonderful technology that is even now allowing me to share my stories with you. i feel very connected to G2, and that i would do anything for him. He has a lot going on in his life and i've taken on the role of confidante. He has health problems of which i believe he purposely downplays the severity of because he knows i worry about him. That only makes me worry more.

G2 is the one who is most on my mind. Our friendship built up quickly on a platform of complete trust that i don't tend to give freely. He's been let down by too many people, just as i have, but we just.. clicked. i think i even have a small level of empathy with him at times.

I guess the point of all this is that i'm frustrated with this one aspect of my life right now: the people i feel closest to, are too far away. If something happened to cause G2's health problems to escalate, I coul
     hit me with your best shot
12:14am 21/02/2007
mood: crushed
There are three places i go. Work. School. My 12x12 bedroom.

My bedroom is okay, but i'm awfully tired of work and school. I'm only taking one class - Physiology - but it's incredibly boring. Of course, for me, nothing is interesting at 8 o'clock a.m. i am NOT morning people.

And work. Good god, i feel like i work constantly. I'm pretty good at my job, but being in the lowest of low positions, i get treated like shit.

i am not a person who possesses a happy nature. i've spent years fighting the uphill battle to happiness. Hell, i'd settle for contentness. For a while, i thought i had found it. i liked the job, i had a little extra money to put aside, and things were looking good.

Now i'm overworked, i'm in pain constantly, i'm lonely, i'm on a tight budget for all the shiny new bills i have to pay, and i haven't been on a horse for a proper ride in months. in fact, i've ridden once since before Christmas, and that was a ten-minute ride on Lucky, who spent the whole time attempting to pull my shoulders out of their sockets.

Here's the deal with the job: i'm a CNA in a very prestigious nursing home. Naturally, the pay is low, and the demands are high. we are fully expected to bend over backwards to please our residents (no matter how ridiculous the demands) and yet we are expected to maintain an efficient shift. These two philosophies don't mix, even a little. Add that to the fact that on any given day someone will decide not to show up for work, or the geniuses in admin will fuck up the schedule, and those of us who show up have to cover the slack.

I'm damned good at my job, but only when I'm doing my job. It's hard work, it's both physically and emotionally draining, and when i come in after a day off, it feels like i never even left the place. The other day i got mad because i found that once again, we were shorthanded, and had extra people tacked on to everyone's assignments. So yes, i said something that reflected my anger and walked away. Kathleen followed me and said that the unit secretary (a 6-foot, 400-pound woman who doesn't get up from her desk if she can help it) cut a remark along the lines of, "some people are so nice and sweet when they first start this job." Kathleen looked at me and said, "you and i both know that that's before the place fucks you over."

My back hurts constantly. So do both knees. I'm angry all the time, and I'm starting to sleep too much again. I have worked so hard to rise above the depression i've been fighting for so long, and everything about my life right now is pushing me right back down into it.

The real clincher is that i don't have a horse to ride anymore. Lucky's moved too far away, Mark and Blaze have moved, too, but there's nowhere to ride at the new place yet. Maybe it's just as well sine i think i hurt too much to ride. Still, the other day someone pointed out this horse to me, and as soon as i saw him i knew that he is THE perfect horse for me. And that i'll never have him.

I joined match.com a few weeks ago. So far, i've been rejected by every guy i've tried to talk to, and the ones who have tried to talk to me are just absolutely disgusting. My standards are really not that high, but these guys clearly didn't bother to read my profile, or they didn't care that they were not at all what i'm looking for (yes, when i said 23-29 years old, non-smoker, never married, no kids, that DOES mean that i'm not interested in 35 year old divorcee smokers with two kids you have joint custody of. No wonder you're divorced, dipshit). That's not really something i take as a good sign.
     hit me with your best shot
I Got a Lap Dance; How Was YOUR Weekend?   
02:55am 02/10/2006
mood: exhausted
This weekend was the most fun i've had in a long time. It started when we loaded up David's tiny little car with four people, and we drove up to Washington to see Mike and Erin.


Rob, as the best man, decided that the guys would hang around DC and get trashed. Our plan was along the same lines, the difference being that we decided that DC wasn't worthy of us. So, after a night in a slightly overcrowded apartment, six twentysomething women got into a rented mini-van and hit the road.

Five hours and a few wrong turns later, we were in Atlantic City.

Hot. Damn.

The other two girls met up with us in AC and the eight of us hit the boardwalk. What a town! First on our list was Club Worship, inside House of Blues, inside the Showboat hotel. There we took in a male revue which... wow. Male strippers are beautiful men. And very um, limber. There, we indulged in lap dances from the performers, and overpriced/undersized cocktails from the bar.

After the show, we decided we needed dinner and more drinks, so we went into the restaurant in the HOB and ordered dinner. At midnight. Then we hit up the Casbah.

The Casbah is inside the Taj Mahal, which is part of the Trump Tower. We rocked it thoroughly. And then moved on to the Irish Pub, where a waitress refused to serve us drinks and Laura and Kelly entertained us all by tossing back a couple of car bombs each. Around 4 we decided to call it quits and went to bed. Woke up at 8 so we could get back to DC (and subsequently North Carolina for those of us who made the drive).

There is, of course, much more to the story, but as the saying goes, "What happens in Atlantic City, stays in Atlantic City until you have pictures to back up your story." Or maybe i made part of that up.

     3 fired away - hit me with your best shot
A Bunch of These Things.   
02:36am 09/09/2006
mood: amused
I stole most of these from Jessica. Maybe some from other people.

About Me...

Told off someone for talking trash about one of my friends

Been busted by my parents

Drank so much I puked

Gotten revenge

Had an imaginary friend

Done any extreme sports

Danced like Vanilla Ice

Wanted to be famous

Run around my neighbourhood screaming about 'the end of the world'

Joined a dating site

The 'About Me' Quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

<td width="280" style="overflow: hidden;">QuizGalaxy.com</td>

Your Love rating:  Poor
Your Friends and Family rating:  Excellent
Your Finance rating:  Poor
Your School / Career rating:  Poor
Your Health rating:  Poor
'What is your life score?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Dream Sailor
Your Superpower is Mystic
Your Weakness is Chocolate
Your Weapon is Your Magnetic Rifle
Your Mode of Transportation is Pogo Stick
     hit me with your best shot
11:09pm 10/07/2006
  I rode Lucky today. God, i love that horse. He was a little off on his right fore, but still game.

Of my three current projects, Lucky is far and away my favorite. That's probably because he's not actually a project, he's my funtime horse. The other two? Well, i admit i'm starting to get frustrated with them.

First, there's Bert. Bert is..... ADD. There's no better way to describe him. He gets going and he forgets that there's a rider on his back. He also begins stiff, so much so that he has to be warmed up for 10-20 minutes before you can really WORK him. Plus, he's got such a strong mindset that he's unwilling to change from what he's done for so long; that is, throw his head up and just go.

And Babe. Oh, Babe. Babe is the infamous neurotic Appaloosa. She would rather spend her energy getting out of work than actually doing it. And she's another with a hard mindset. Babe doesn't really have any intention of doing anything anyone else wants, only what she wants. And she doesn't want to do anything.

But Lucky! He is completely amazing. Lucky's story is terrific. He is a very tall Thoroughbred, a former steeplechaser. His owner works with my father and needed some help keeping him exercised, so i contacted her and started working with him. She got him as a rescue from some ranch down in South Carolina. His trainer had abandoned him on this ranch, with a huge gash in his right hind. Janie found him online and went down to have a look at him. She saw him jump, got the background on him, and offered them $500 for him. So that was that. He is solidly, solidly bombproof, this horse. She once took him out on the trail, and while he was cantering, a coyote popped out of the bushes and was running right alongside. Lucky didn't even blink an eye. He does whatever you ask, because he wants to. That's my kind of horse. Sometimes he goes into racehorse mode and gets speedy, but he's easy to collect. I wonder if she's had him scanned for a microchip and checked his Jockey Club registration.
     hit me with your best shot
Final Score: 65.5   
12:05pm 20/03/2006
mood: bouncy
     hit me with your best shot
05:45am 15/03/2006
mood: restless
So the other day Danine finally called me.

I should back up - Danine is a local horsewoman. Some of her employees bowl in one of my Monday night leagues, and when i saw one night that Hylton was wearing a hat with a Friesian on it, i had to ask him about it.

Friesians, for those of you who are not horse people, are these horses:

Nice, huh? Anyway, so he tells me that he works for Danine, who used to have Quarter Horses and Paints but has apparently made the switch. She always needs people to help ride them, he says, so i write down my number and a little about my riding experience and ask him to pass it on to Danine.

This was about two months ago.

Finally, at long last, Danine called me yesterday and said, "so i heard you might be interested in riding my horses." She went on to tell me that she has a 6-year-old stallion (!) who she wants to get into the show circuit this year, but she can't show him herself because she's pregnant, so long story short, i'm going on Thursday to try out this stallion. If we work well together, she'll pay for me to show him.

i'm hyped. The guys at the bowling alley who work for her are threatening to show up withh a video camera. i hope so much that this works out for me, it really is just what i need.
     2 fired away - hit me with your best shot